I'm feeling so shitty today. It was just yesterday I was a little bit optimistic. Today everything is down the drain again. There are too many insincere people around!

I really hate hypocrites. I really cant stand them. They think they could do whatever they wanna do and get away with it. Well...screw them!

I'm hating every sound, every movement, again I'm back to that phase. That I-hate-the-world phase. I hate him, I hate them, I hate me. He tried to help, but hating him even more. Again I feel lost.

Mostly its because of him....no, them...no, me. See! I can't even figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Maybe I should be alone for a while. If it makes me feel better, then I'll do it.

He's old. Suddenly felt that mellow feeling driving back alone last night...listening to Knife and thinking of him. It's been nearly one year 2 months since i last spoke to him. Missed him. I don't think I wanna go on with the smsing. Its biting again.

On a better note, I'm gonna be outta town most of the time these next 2 weeks. Wondering why but suddenly have that feeling at the pit of my stomach. Excitement. Excited to start travelling again...this time it's for what I actually do. Not for BSN anymore. So that means this is it...I'm gonna start meeting agents and all. The real thing.

 

 

Happy New Year!!! Wow…2007! Damn fast!

 

Anyways…thanking god that I made it through to 2007, my friends made it through 2007, my loved ones…..alhamdullilah.

No resolution this year….as usual. Oh wait…I was thinking that I should blog more this year. I have no idea why…supposedly to vent…but there's nothing much to vent anyways….Muahahaha….yeah right!!!

 

Okay….what happened last year?

Nothing that bad…as compared to the previous 6 years before the last. Life changing in a way….but in a good way I suppose.

The best thing that could happen last year was to be friends again with a dear friend, someone whom I'm attached with…saw her change a lot for the better. Saw the movements in her life. Saw how everyone got closer than ever. Saw 2 of my close friends got married…seeing them pregnant (weird though). Heard lots of people getting married, getting engaged, getting a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Saw them break up, heard them cry. Mainly its people having their own tiny family. I guess we're at that age…where everyone's getting married or got married or already have 3 kids. When everyone looks at you like you're a freakshow just because you don't have a partner. Hey….at the end of the day you're crying and I'm looking at you and thinking 'Thank god I'm single'.

 

Of course every new year is the same. Cant help but to wonder if I'm ever gonna get a boyfriend this year…if I'm gonna get some…eww…! I think if ever I'm gonna get some, it would be with my husband on our first night…..Muahahaha!!!! Seerriousss!!!

 

Anyways…I am blessed with this good company that I'm working with now. I've been so busy I'm loving it…for now. Thought of having a good start today…unfortunately I got up late…stepped out of the house 5 minutes too late…and was stuck in the jam for about an hour. I was nicely cursing my way to KL…kids just shouldn't go to school on a working day…they should just go on the weekends…teehee….

 

So we had our normal first day of the week session. Our CEO had to ask each one of us our new year's resolution….and I was the first one to go. Damn! If I had any it would be easier. So I bullshitted my way through, with my silly boss smiling beside me. It went around the whole company….most of the non-married ones wants to get married..except me, Saiful and my beloved silly boss. Arfan wants to mendirikan rumah-tangga (in his own words), elisa wants to get married, Marlene, Hui Ki…and all. Haih…kene ke…?

Kene kot…it's bout time.

 

Well, I wish them well. I wish all their wishes come true. All their resolutions stays to the end…and works to the end. Tapi none actually said they wanna quit smoking. Hehehe….typical.

 

For my beloved katak lot. I wish you all the happiness life can bring you. I wish for all of us to be better people, especially around each other. To be more loving, caring towards each other. Elly..I wish for you to get a better room….haha…no really….a breakthrough in your job, your guy, your family. I wish that you would get your TRITON, your own place to stay and for me to bunk in on my drunken nights. Whyda and Gern….I wish that the both of you would be happier together, blessed with a baby this year…and for Yda to have her own bakery and her own car. Fid….I wish that you would find someone that could love you and whom you can love, without any complications. May you get 'THE' person for you this year. Aam and Juned….may the both of you have an easy delivery, blessed with beautiful children and good husbands…hehe.  Annie….Hati Kama for you…hehehe. I wish that you would meet someone young, someone cute and someone strong…nyehnyeh. Lastly for me….I wish for me to be more successful, to be more thrifty, to be more responsible, to take better care of my parents. I wish for me to find a man that I could trust to live the rest of my life with. Someone responsible, someone religious enough.

 

All in all…I wish all of us, all of my kataks, my family, kataks' family to have a healthy year… for all of us to be a better muslim. Insya'allah.

 

Kalau ada salah dan silap…harap di maafkan….(kate nak lebih melayu tahun ni).

For the first time in 1 week and 2 days, I am counting down the time to go home. Its another hour and it feels like ages. Maybe because I'm not feeling well. Or maybe I just lost my mood today. Why? I dont know. Was in my boss's room for like an hour, briefed about what I'm suppose to do next year. I think it freaked me out. Weird. I thought I was excited about the business plan and all but when I came out I was actually worn out. Weird.

I grew fond of my man liking boss, looked at him like he was...i dont know...grew really fond of him. Mainly it was because he actually trusted me with this job. Something he would only offer to guys. Or maybe he saw me as a guy (scary). 

Also I sorta kinda feel a wee bit turned off bout my boss. Something that my colleague/friend told me bout him. I know I shouldn't listen to him but i cant help it. Maybe that's why I feel like this. Kot! I have no freaking mood. No mood at all. I just wanna go home and sleep!

I'm suppose to be excited. I'm gonna go to Kuantan this Thursday and maybe KK next week. So tired.

Happy Anniversary! Happy? Hmph!!! Its been a year..i didnt even realise, until I had this stupid dream about him, his baby and his wife. I was holding the kid, with mud on her leg, waiting for his wife to come out from the room. They were living in a house but sleeping in seperate rooms. When she got out she just looked at her daughter, looked at her legs and muttered something in the means of f**k...and they left with him giving me an apologetic look, while i gave him my normal i'll-get-you-for-this look. I was left standing there with the child.

I woke up feeling like shit. In a while i have not missed him. Suddenly i did so so much. Then i realised..it's his anniversary. I thought everything was mended, i thought everything was ok, he made it ok, the baby did...but i guess i'm not fully healed. Still missing him like crazy...

It'll stay. It'll stay for a while..this feeling. Just a few days. Then i'll be alrite.

Its my 3rd day today. Everything's ok. First day I had to do labour work...which was ok. Tiring but okay. 2nd day was a bit scary. Met by boss, met my team members..went for lunch with them at the 'Beach'. Then i felt like DAMN i'm working in KL. Like I was lost a bit. Like OMG. Gotten the 'interrogation' from my team...boring stuff.

Went out like half a day today. 3rd day and my workload is up to my nose already. Staying back, meeting like 10 times a day. Now that's what i call a real job. Only thing is that I dont seem to really blend with my team...'cept my boss. Maybe it'll have to take more time.

So went home, stuck in the jam again (gotta get use to this), rain again, and later at night got kidnapped again by elly's 'ehem'. Went to B'sar for a quick drink, on a tuesday night, when i have to wake up at 5.45am. Well it was OK. Only that i was a bit 'disoriented' (or disorientated...whatever). Parked my car, put my make up on..i nearly applied blusher on my eyes and lipstick on my nose. Hmm... The thing is I cant remember what i told elly's 'ehem' on the way back...bout his friend. I seriously cant. I hope I didnt say something embarassing, something that is gonna backfire. I hope he was too high too remember. I hope. Tolonglah! I do not wanna humiliate myself again. I have a tendency to do that.

I will be shit busy next year. 26 events, 2 events each month. OMG! That means I cant get married next year...tunang boleh la kots....

Right! How long has it been? hmm....

Starting a new chapter this monday. Brand new job...in KL....OMG i'm so gonna dread waking up. New friends, new colleagues, new wardrobe, new makeup...OMG...SCARY!!!! COOL...!!!!

The weird part is I have been having this vision. A vision of this guy...this guy that i dont even know who. I cant even describe him. Its getting more. And i hate it when someone new comes along and if i feel that he's a threat....i'll just shun him without knowing him. Am i not ready? How long? All i wanna do is concentrate on my job. At last I have something that I can call a career.

Friends are great. Glad Elly's happilly 'bercinte'...hehe. Fid pun 'bercinte'....Annie pun 'bercinte'....in their own twisted way. That leaves me. Without 'cinte'. Glad at that. No interruption. Tho' at times mati kutu when everyone goes coupling galore. nak jugak...

AAaanywaysss...lets concentrate on the job. And then if the perfect guy comes along i'll probably think of it.

 

List of the perfect guy:

-loving, caring, funny, goofy, smart, religious (i suppose), cute, nice smile, deep eyes, 'stable' (as per Fid),

-someone who can make breakfast for me, doesnt mind doing the marketing, has to love my parents, affectionate, oh yes huggable!

thats the core i guess. So if you find someone like that...introduce! heh!

 

 

I dont know what i'm feeling...why i'm feeling like this. I shouldn't be feeling shitty. I knew the risk before i did it. i knew wat kind of person he is. I knew everything. I really thought i could handle it. Maybe i'm jus not used to this. Maybe he gave me more than i expected ... i dont know.

I shouldnt feel this way. i really shouldnt. the whole purpose was to release not to gain. That's it...but why the fuck am i feeling like THIS????!!!

I hate this! i'm not gonna let him get to me again. Not again! I have to start think like a man. Think with balls...umm...tits...watever!

Fuck this shit!!!

Okay so it happened last Saturday. He actually called. I was soo nervous until my friends were laughing at me. Until I had to go for a short drink wit him just to calm my nerves down. Hey…gimme a break….it has been 10 mths.

 

So anyways…it was okla…at first I was a kayu. I was so tensed until he was laughing at me. but after that everything went smooth. Heheh…he was kinda sweet and all…we were pretty much comfortable wit each other. Although practically this was the second time meeting him.

 

It was also pretty scary seeing the similarities he has wit me and tony…of course I cant help but to compare. A bit weird actually. But towards the end, when it was time to leave I felt a bit tensed. I don’t know why…maybe I’m jus tired. After that... feeling a bit weird the whole day until now. I don’t know wat the hell am I feeling. Fid told me no cuddling. Cuddling would some how or rather bring out the affection. And we did. Not that I feel affectionate towards him now...i think...well i shouldn't anyway!

 

Definitely if given a chance I would wanna see him again but it would be too complicated then…so better not. Anyways he didn’t call or anything. so yeah I  don’t think there’s a 2^nd time. But i really cant stop thinking bout it. and i cant stop feeling a bit weird.

Its suppose to be straight to the point and chow...but it didn't. hmmm....watever la..